Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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