Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
