Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize