lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
