Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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