It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
