Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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