never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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