I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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