Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
