masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
