Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
