My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Randomize
