i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
