I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
