It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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