i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
