I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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