i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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