at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Randomize
