he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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