i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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