I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I'm both gender and math confused
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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