guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
