when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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