Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
It's just like the Real World with babies
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
