Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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