I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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