I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
