remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
