I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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