you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
