paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
