Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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