just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
