Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
