I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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