Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
ttyl tear gas
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize