so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
