I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
