community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
