Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
