and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
