buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
