the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
