if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
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