We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Randomize
