sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
