Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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