his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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