He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
