your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Randomize
