history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
