wrigley field is MILF paradise
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
