I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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