she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
