BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
