So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
