Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
