the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Randomize
