this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize