New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
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