i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
