That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
