The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
