I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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